Good enough

I had a rough night's sleep on Sunday night.  My mind couldn't let go of the day and I felt so sad about the attack on the church in Michigan. 

Mark had told me earlier to stop doom scrolling and he wasn't wrong.

Sometimes I can't bear witness to all the sadness and I need to put my phone down.

My feelings about the attack were coupled with Adam being gone (and he's still gone all this week) and I need to have yet another procedure (port placement) and miss more school and I have parent teacher conferences and it is all a lot.

And I need sleep.

And I couldn't sleep.

I went to school for the teacher work day and met with my team and I already had a list, but I kept adding to it as we met.  There are many things I'm behind on because I've missed so much school.  Also, my teacher work day was going to be cut short because I was doing 8 parent teacher conferences.

I got a phone call that my port appointment is Wednesday.  It meant more sub plans, more lost time.  Also, no Adam to hold my hand and read to me.

I felt this rising anxiety.  How could I do everything that needed doing?  How could I manage all of this?

Emma said she could go to my appointment because I will be sedated and need a driver.  Actually she texted, "I can absolutely do that!"

Mark came to my classroom on his way home from class.  He stayed 2 1/2 hours and put all the stickers on the Chromebooks and fixed my iPad and taped down my rug with this industrial double stick tape of Alissa's and hung up my Halloween decorations.  (Did I want to micromanage that?  Yes.  But I managed to keep my lips zipped.) He sorted reports for parent teacher conferences and went and got us lunch and brought it back.

It made a huge difference.  I was able to get things more or less sorted for conferences.  

A lot of days, like yesterday, feel hard.  But every day I get just enough help to make it.

It is the miracle that keeps happening.

I took a short walk with Kim when I got home and that is good for my soul.  I talked on the phone to Braeden and Adam.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be good.

Weekend

 When you live with your parents you have everything except peace:

I had my computer at home Thursday night because I took it to my training.  On the very rare occasions that I have had my computer home, I plug it in to charge overnight in the hallway on the floor so I will not forget it the next morning.

I had plugged it in at my desk and guess what I forgot?

I didn't realize it until I was walking into school.  I saw Alissa and I said, "I forgot my computer!"  Her eyes got big.  We both knew that I couldn't function without my computer.  I would need it to take roll, access my lesson plans, teach math and phonics.  

I need my computer.

I said, "I have to go home and get it!  Tell someone to cover my class because I will be a few minutes late."

I couldn't believe it!  As I was driving away from school, I remembered Mark.  He has class on Friday morning but maybe if he hadn't left yet, he could meet me somewhere with my computer.  I called him and he said he would bring it to me.

I thanked him a million times and went back to school.  I saw Alissa in the hall and she said, "You're back already?"

Riley was there and he said in his never-reacting-to-a-crisis way, "You don't need a computer to teach.  Just show a movie."

"How?" Alissa asked.

"I would need a computer," I told him.

"Hm," he said, realizing we were not wrong.

A few minutes after the bell rang, one of the secretaries came in with my computer and said, "Your son brought this.  Did you know he was going to do that?  He is so nice!"

I concurred and then she said, "He looks just like you."

I told Mark later and apologized.  I know it isn't his dream to look like his mother....

Especially this place:

When I was walking into the temple on Saturday morning, I saw Tito.  He is in our ward and also has lymphoma.  Cancer buddies!  He said, "This is the perfect place to see you."

I agreed. 

In the dressing room, I saw Caroline who is one of my teacher friends.  We hugged because when you see a friend at school, you say "Hi, how are you?" and when you see a friend at the temple, you hug.  That's just science.

We remarked how great it was to see each other somewhere besides school.  Especially this place.

The temple is just a bit of heaven and I think that's why I want to hug my friends there.

Deep Dark Shannon:

After the temple, I met Shannon for lunch.  With Adam gone it was really nice to have some diversions planned for the day.  We went to Seven Brothers which I had never been to because of the intimidating size of their burgers.  But Shannon knew they had shrimp and salad and that's what we got and it was delicious.

We sat for a few hours. We talked about pride and humility and the big lessons we are learning.  She told me she is listening to every conference talk President Nelson has ever given and it is changing her.  When I told her it made me a little uncomfortable how kind everyone was being to me because I didn't always feel like I deserved it, she said, "Well I can start being mean to you."  And she could.  Shannon doesn't keep it a secret about how she feels and I love her for it.  We discussed cancer and the temple and her job and people we are worried about and faith and foreboding and our flabby arms and cleaning the church. So as you can see, basically everything.  

For the record, we would both be willing to pay extra tithing and not have to clean the church.

At one point she told me, "This is Deep Dark Shannon."  Then she told me what she thought about something.

Another time I said, "This doesn't paint me in a great light, but..."

There is really nothing like good friends.

Adam on stage:

Adam was in Chicago for a WGU graduation (and now he's in England, but not for a graduation).  He has been invited to be on the stage, but has never wanted the hassle.  With his new role, he was more invited (is that a thing?) to be on the stage, so he relented.

He texted that he was not used to having someone dress him and he sent this picture.  

He also said his team teased him about wearing a suit to a graduation when he usually wears jeans. 

It made me wish I was there with him.  I always wish I was with him. 

President Nelson:

I cried when I saw the article that he had passed away. (Braeden sent it.  He is my best source of Church announcements.)  We will miss him.  I never met him, but he had a huge impact on my life.  It is not even coincidental that Shannon and I had just talked about him and his teachings.  He made a difference in our thinking and discipleship and lives.

When I was at the temple, I was thinking about my grandparents.  I will love to be reunited with them someday.  I feel the same way about prophets.

Can I hear them speak again when I'm in heaven?  Because I would love that.

Heavy Heart:

I first heard about it from my friend Jill.  She was texting with condolences about President Nelson and the shooting/fire that happened at a church in Michigan.  Jill is a true example of Christlike love and I wish I was still her neighbor.

My heart aches for the people who, like me, got ready for church expecting to sing and pray and partake of the sacrament.  Like me, they were expecting to see their friends and hear words that brought them peace or perspective or guidance for whatever was happening in their lives.

I feel shocked and sad.  I feel like attacking schoolchildren and church worshippers is the ultimate cowardice.  Sometimes it is exhausting to live in a fallen world.

I do know that goodness and love and light win.  They always win.

I believe in Christ.

Grateful Friday

 Yesterday I had my training with my team.  I planned to leave at lunchtime and Alissa said, "Do you have time to get lunch together first?"  I did and it was good for me, nice to have the distraction because I was nervous about my appointment.

I am grateful to have a team I love.  Miriam is the nicest person ever, which is wonderful.  Alissa is a little bit snarky like I (possibly) am (sometimes) so we wrote each other messages on sticky notes and passed them back and forth during the training like we were in junior high.  Miriam just raised her eyebrows at us and smiled in her good-natured way.

 Mark and I went to the appointment.  I told him that I might cry.  He shrugged.  I don't think that he is even a tiny bit phased by me threatening to cry.

But I didn't even cry!

As soon as the doctor came in, Mark called Adam so he was on speaker phone and we could all absorb the information together.

My lymphoma is not curable, but treatable.  I will have chemo (6 cycles every 4 weeks that are two days long each time).  It should go into remission for several years and then we'll go from there.  (Maybe there will be even better treatment the next time it returns!)

It is a relief to know what to expect schedule-wise.  My little planning brain is happy about that.

My sense is that chemo is a bit like covid.  Everyone seems to have their own little individualized experience.  So I don't pretend to know exactly what to expect, but hopefully it will be manageable.

I need to get a port and get my insurance to approve and I need to have a chemo class.  

Also, I need to go see Braeden, Anna and QE during fall break.

Because of all of that, I'm set to start chemo on October 23.  I mapped out the dates and for three of the six cycles, I will get an extended recovery time because of Christmas break, Martin Luther King Day and President's Day.  So that works out pretty well.  

It all still feels like a lot.  It feels doable though?  I haven't made it this far to make it this far.

I'm grateful for answers and support and encouragement from numerous sources.  I'm grateful for the kindness of many, many people. I aspire to be more like them.

Whenever there is something awful, like a mass shooting, people offer "thoughts and prayers."

People also say, "Thoughts and prayers aren't enough.  Let's do something to make this stop."

I tend to agree with the second group, especially since I have schoolchildren in my heart.  I cannot discount the blessing of someone praying for you though.  I have felt help from others' prayers.

I have a dear friend who is very sick.  I have beloved family members with injuries and health worries.  It is all heavy and makes me sad, but I also have prayer.  

Also, I'm grateful that there is nothing wrong with hope.

I know

 Yesterday I felt SO sick before school.  It just kept getting worse.  I was nauseous and dizzy and just awful.

Right before I left for school, I prayed.  I just needed help and fast.  I drove to school and stopped by Jamie's office for a Diet Coke. 

I told my students that I wasn't feeling well and I had a headache and could they possibly not be crazy?

They did what third graders always do and show you that no, they can't do that.

Still, after about an hour, I started to feel better.  I was moving a bit gingerly; I wasn't 100%, but I felt SO much better.

Jeff had seen me first thing with my Diet Coke and he asked me how I was and I said not good.

At lunch he was in the cafeteria when I dropped off my class and he asked me how I was and I said that I was feeling better.  I said, "Prayers work."

He said, "Yes. They do."

I could never prove to anyone that it is prayer that is getting me through some of these days, but I know it just the same.

There was another miracle in the day.  I have a student who is just the naughtiest.  He is also so cute and so earnest.  He is as lacking in impulse control as he is in guile.  And his English is very wobbly and he asks me for clarification of words he doesn't understand which melts my heart and then he just goes on being so naughty.  He rolls on the floor.  He takes things from other people.  He throws his paper on the floor (often after he has ripped it up).  He is never in his seat.  Never.

I had a behavior chart for him Tuesday.  He didn't end up getting the reward because he spent the afternoon in the office.  Yesterday, he got his reward!  I was maybe lenient, but I wanted him to get the reward so that maybe he would stay motivated.

Maren was teaching writing (bless her!) as part of her student teaching and he was lying on the floor, having hurled his ripped paper in the garbage.  I coaxed him over to my desk and showed him his chart.  He needed 19 smiles to get a prize.  He counted how many he already had and I could see his mind doing a quick cost-benefit analysis and he finally decided he couldn't let writing slip by without earning a smile.  I said, "You'd better go ask for another paper."  He did.  He worked hard (mostly) the rest of the day.

After school he sifted through my prize box and said, "This is good!"

I tried to give him all the praise.  Do it again!  You can do it!

Today I have district training for 3rd grade teachers.  I got an email yesterday that my sub canceled the job.  That's always a little unsettling.  This morning I saw it was picked up by someone else.

I'm leaving the training early to go to my oncology appointment.  Mark is my plus one and Adam is going to join us on the phone from Chicago.  On the one hand I feel nervous about the appointment and on the other hand, maybe the days of white-knuckling it through the day are actually helping me.  

I can do this.

I keep proving it.

One day at a time.

Update (with side notes)

Yesterday:

I woke up with a headache.

(It lasted all day despite Tylenol, Advil. stretching, etc.  I think I'm structurally a bit of mess because of holding my arm in weird ways since my surgery.  And it's not like I was super strong to begin with.)

I got my pathology report emailed to me--not sure what it all means, but hopefully my doctor will. 

(I've managed to stay pretty calm.)  

Melva came and helped me in my classroom, which is so kind.

(She is making copies and laminating and it is helpful.)

My naughty student was naughty at lunch and spent the afternoon in the office.  

(It was sort of a restful afternoon if I'm being honest.)

I took a short walk with Kim. 

(First I checked Facebook and saw that the cougar situation had been "resolved.")

I talked to Braeden and Anna and Eleanor.  They had to go because their pancakes were ready.

(I suddenly wanted pancakes for dinner.)

As the evening went on, I got more and more sick with my headache.  I was nauseous and dizzy.  Mark got me my migraine medicine and some soda to sip.  I ate a few grapes for dinner.

(I no longer wanted pancakes.)

My head is still hurting.  I didn't sleep all that well.  I'm used to the whole headache/migraine/neck situation.  I think it is worse because of my surgery.

(It is also worse because I don't feel like I should take another day off school.)

More homework

 I met with my therapist last night.  I really like her.  

One of the things we talked about was my desire to come to a place of acceptance about my situation.  I think that the more accepting I am of my reality, the more peace I can feel.  In addition to--hey, peace is a good thing--I think that the more peace I feel, the more energy I can spend on healing and not on angst.

So I asked her (tongue in cheek) if there was a way to fast track acceptance.  She said, "You're not going to like my answer."

She said, "In order to heal, you need to feel.  And there's no timeline."

I said, "You're right, I don't like that answer."

She said that I need to be real on my blog.  She gave me homework to watch Inside Out and Inside Out 2.

Honestly, I like her homework.

So here's me being real:

Sunday was kind of awful.  I felt sick.  I felt like I let people down, not just at school, but at church (primary chorister--it was the primary program and I didn't go to church) and also my family.

I feel like a shell of myself.  I feel like I'm not me.  I'm used to being capable and organized and on top of things.

I'm not used to floundering and feeling limited and getting help with everything.  And I don't like it.

Also, I had a big heart to heart with Adam on Sunday night.  I told him that I want to have more faith and I want to be more optimistic, but it is hard to maintain.  He is going out of town this week for an extra long trip and that makes me feel extra anxious.  And I'm also trying to come up with the worst case scenario that I'll find out on Thursday when I get (hopefully) my treatment plan. 

Adam asked, "Why are you doing that?!?"

I said, "I don't know...It's what I do."

He said, "What is one time that has ever served you?"

I couldn't come up with one.

He talked to me about my feelings, my fears, my illness, they are all OK and they will come and go, but faith is a principle of action.  I need to choose to have faith and then act on that faith.

It resonated with me.

Of course it is something that I've learned all my life, but sometimes things just stick when you need them to stick.

For not the first time, I felt the rallying of my pioneer ancestors.  They had faith to put one foot in front of the other.  They didn't know what awaited them (Sagebrush.  Sagebrush awaited them.) but they went anyway.  They kept going.

I went to school yesterday and I did my best and I felt frustrated by several things including but not limited to why can't those dang kids keep track of their computers?  We had more missing and they were mostly unplugged.  We got everything sorted and then at lunch I went on Etsy and ordered a sticker set where you put a color coded sticker on a Chromebook and one on the charging cord and one on the computer cart so maybe they will be able to get it straight.  As a bonus, they're pretty colors.

Unlike my pioneer ancestors, I have a credit card.

(Related, my colored pencils arrived.  I'm going to color when I watch Inside Out.)

Here's something else.  

Yesterday I sent an email to the parents of my students and told them about my diagnosis.  I got message after message telling me they would pray for me.

It is humbling to feel so much love from people.  I don't deserve it, but I appreciate it all the same.

Weekend

Things I did this weekend:

Adam helped me shower on Saturday morning and remove most of the bandages which was a project.  He used unisolve and then put one of the patches Mark uses to cover his infusion set over the top of the remaining bandage.  It's handy to have a diabetic around to pilfer his supplies when needed.

I went shopping with Adam.  That mostly meant shopping a little and then sitting in the car to wait for Adam.  It was nice to be out in the world though and good to be with Adam.  He helps me a lot when I need to talk through things.

Me = big feelings.

I ordered colored pencils from Amazon.

I decided the book I'm reading is boring me so I'm going to abandon it.  (It's by Sandra Dallas and I usually like her books, but I'm not feeling it.)

Marie Louise brought dinner which was so nice of her!  Everyone is kinder to me than I deserve.  

I have a sinus/ear infection which isn't great and I watched church and listened to a recording of the talk Enoch gave in his ward.

We drove Emma to the airport (an excuse to see her before her trip to Disneyland).

I found Marie Louise's 6th great grandparents (I think--the 1700s are muddy) and that was exciting.

The sky was moody all weekend and the leaves on the mountains have turned colors and some of the leaves in the valley on moving that way too.  I love autumn.