Back at it

 Post holiday life can be a little jarring.  Especially since I started physical therapy, have a doctor appointment and a hair appointment on different days after school this week.  I went from having spools of time stretching out each day to...not.

Monday was a teacher work day.  I was happy to see my friends.  Miriam was still in Barcelona because her flight home was canceled.  Alissa and I FaceTimed her, just to chat.  We printed her sub plans and created something for her because one of the things she'd planned didn't work when we clicked on the link.  (She made sub plans on her phone, which is heroic!) 

I spent the day mostly making sub plans of my own.

A basket per day.  Besides my upcoming chemo days, I have a data day with my team and a district training day on the horizon.  (I didn't make sub plans for that day yet--sometimes if you work too far ahead, you have to change everything.)

Making sub plans is tedious.  And you have to strike the balance between not too hard for the sub and not too boring for the students.

I went back to physical therapy on Monday also.  I intended to go back in the summer, just to get my neck back into good working order.  Then cancer came calling and I canceled the appointment.  I think after my surgery and with my port, I have been holding my shoulders in kind of a protective posture and it hasn't helped anything.  So back I went.  It is not my idea of a good time.  I like the therapist, but the perky aids talk to me in the patronizing way that people sometimes talk to the elderly (lots of people there are elderly).  They ask me inane questions and I'm not great at small talk.  I know it will help me though (the physical therapy, not the small talk).  I was prepared for the fact that I'd need to go back in a week.  He said he wants me back on Thursday.  (But what about going home after school?)  Sad.  I'll just have to be very good about my exercises so I don't have to keep going so often.

So I have felt this thrum of too much too much too much and not enough time to do the things that make me feel like myself.

At the same time--it's always at the same time, counterweights abound--it's been great to be back at school.  Yesterday they told me all the jokes I guess they've been saving up.  There were the classics like, "Why was six afraid of seven?" (I can't tell you how many times I've pretended that is a joke I've never heard before.)

After a classic rendition of a knock knock joke where "who" is there and I gamely say "who who" and they asked if I was an owl, some kids decided to branch out and make up their own jokes. 

Knock knock

Who's there?

Michael

Michael who?

Michael Jackson!

OK....

Then there was this one: a lengthy story about two apples, one yellow and one red, who were friends.  The culminating punchline was that the red one asked the yellow one if he was a minion.

When I didn't laugh/didn't know that was the punchline, he asked, "Don't you get it?  You know, since minions are yellow?"

I think these kids should stick to the classics.

I read them Hooway for Wodney Wat.  I told them it was one of my favorite books.  One girl said, "You always say that."

I said, "But this one really really is."

They laughed and later they wanted to act it out.  It was darling watching them squatting down and hopping around like rodents.  They loved it and I love them.

Not doubting

 And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying:  We do not doubt our mothers knew it.

Alma 56:48

The legacy I treasure most from both of my parents is their faith.  I have never wondered about them.  They have shown me over and over my whole life who they are and what they believe.  Every time they encounter a trial, they have squared their shoulders and expressed their faith and lived their lives in an echo of their faith.

(Their parents were the same way.)

I hope I can hold up the line and pass it on.

Yesterday, Olivia asked my mom to send her quotes to us.  Engrained deep in my memory are the yellowed with age pieces of paper in "the drawer by the washer".  The drawer by the washer was the catchall sort of drawer every house has.  If you were looking for something random, it may be in the drawer by the washer.  If you were looking for my mom's mantras, they were also there.

My mom read and reread these quotes when she needed reminding, when she needed a boost, when times were tough.  I think the fact that my mom kept going back to reread is better than if she'd read them once and didn't need them again.

Life keeps being hard.  We can keep going to the source of comfort and peace.  My mom modeled that and I'll always be grateful.

Here's what she sent yesterday:

“I know that everything will be overruled for our good if we do right. No matter how difficult

circumstances may be to bear at the time, they are for our good, and God watches over us; His angels are round about us all the time.” 

Elder George Q. Cannon, November 27, 1864.

“Therefore, however dark the prospects may be, however gloomy, let us remember that He who sits on high knows our condition, and that He can deliver us.” 

President George Q. Cannon, August 31, 1884.

“All true Latter-Day Saints will be tested to the limit. Saints will be put to tests that will try the integrity of the best of them.” 

Heber C. Kimball

“True faith is only made manifest in heart-wrenching trials.” I don’t know who.

“The Saints should always remember that God sees not as man sees; that he does not willingly afflict his children, and that if he requires them to endure present privation and trial, it is that they may escape greater tribulations which would otherwise inevitably overtake them. If He deprives them of any present blessing, it is that he may bestow upon them greater and more glorious ones by-and-by.” 

Elder George Q. Cannon

Proverbs 3:5–6

Matthew 11:28–30

Doctrine and Covenants 121:7–8

And this from Elder Holland: 

“I do not know who in this vast audience today may need to hear the message of forgiveness inherent in [the parable of the laborers in the vineyard; see Matthew 20:1–15], but however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines. …

“So if you have made covenants, keep them. If you haven’t made them, make them. If you have made them and broken them, repent and repair them. It is never too late so long as the Master of the vineyard says there is time. Please listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit telling you right now, this very moment, that you should accept the atoning gift of the Lord Jesus Christ and enjoy the fellowship of His labor” (“The Laborers in the Vineyard,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2012, 33).

So now it's recorded on my blog.  So if they ever read this, my children will know. 

Weekend

 Winter break is over and I feel kind of sad about it.  Usually I am more ready to go back to school.  This time, I know I have chemo again next week and that fills me with a bit of dread.  I was sick last time.

I also have things to be happy about.  There are always things to be happy about.  For one thing, my energy.  I have felt really great the past few days.  I did a big project clearing out my closet in my office and going through everything and putting it all back together on a shelf Adam and Mark built for me.  I even ironed some of Adam's shirts on Saturday!  This return to health makes the chemo feel worth it, even though I still dread it.

Adam continues to thwart me in my attempts to protect his time.  We met Emma at IKEA; she was getting a dresser and we were getting the closet shelf. 

I told Emma under no circumstances was she to ask her dad to help her with the dresser.  I told her Mark could help her.  I also told Mark that I would pay him to build my shelf and that we weren't involving Adam.

Then Adam wanted to deliver Emma's dresser and help her carry it upstairs.  (She built it herself because when Emma wants to do something, she does it.)  Also, Adam talked to Mark on Friday night about building my shelf together on Saturday.  I said, "No!  Mark is going to do it alone."

Adam asked, "Why?"

I said, "Because you don't have time."

Adam said, "Well I want to spend time with Mark."

So they built the shelf.  In the late afternoon they went swimming together at the Orem Rec Center while I continued on my project and then I met them at Via 313 for pizza.  Mark went home and Adam and I went night grocery shopping.

I still can't get over the amount of energy I have.

A few months ago, ten percent of what I did on Saturday would have exhausted me.

It was nice to go to church.  I went to primary but it wasn't my turn to lead the singing.  I just got to sing along and enjoy being in primary.  Several people went out of their way to talk to me and see how I am doing, which was kind.  I was happy to report to them that I'm doing pretty well.

Shannon and I set up a dinner date with our husbands for before my next chemo.  I have these cycles and I need to take advantage of the good times.

Emma came over.  We played Flip7 and talked a little to Braeden and Anna and QE on FaceTime and talked about Scotland (and Emma sang to us with a Scottish accent, like she does...).

I was exhausted last night and went to bed early.  Adam pointed out everything out of character I had done this weekend.  He said, "You made dinner!  When is the last time you made dinner?"

I don't know.  I have helped other people, but this was my first solo dinner in months. 

I'm back! 

I have been pestering Braeden about what he wants for a birthday present.  He keeps saying he doesn't know.  Then last night, he sent this:

I am going to need more guidance.  How do I assess quality and/or approachability?  Amazon reviews?  It is rough when your kids get smarter than you.

Now back to school (I clearly need it, but I don't think the third grade curriculum is doing much to help me keep pace with Braeden).  

I will be happy to see everyone.

Grateful Friday

 I had energy yesterday to take down all the Christmas decorations!  It was remarkable.  I wasn't sure I would last because for the past several months, my energy flags in a big way.

I was tired by mid afternoon, but I was also finished with the task.  I was grateful to have energy and I felt like myself!

Mark helped me a lot with the ladder stuff and with carrying all the bins up and down the stairs.  At one point he came upstairs and I was putting a few things in the dishwasher.  He said, "You'd better not be doing any dishes!  Are you trying to put me out of a job?"

I gratefully ceded the kitchen to him.

We drove to Salt Lake City to get Adam at the airport.  I was happy to see him.  It had only been a bit over 24 hours, but it felt longer.  I'm grateful whenever we are able to do something to help and support Braeden and Anna and I'm grateful Adam is the kind of dad who is up for anything.  And it's usually his idea.

We ate dinner with Aunt Leone (which is an idiom in our family that means we ate really early) and met Emma at La Casa Del Tamal in Salt Lake.  Adam had gone to a different location of the same restaurant with his friend, Gene, who is Mexican (despite what you would think for a person name Gene).  Gene thinks it is the best Mexican food around here and I think I agree.  We ordered way too much food and needed three to go boxes, but that bodes well for lunch today.

I'm grateful for a husband who introduces me to new things all the time--things like tamales with chocolate mole sauce and spicy meat wrapped in banana leaves.  He just goes around enriching all of our lives.

Tomorrow we are meeting at IKEA.  I'm getting a new shelf for my closet and Emma is going to buy a new dresser.  She thought she could carry it herself into her apartment.  I had her look up the weight of the boxes.  She then said maybe her friend Brigette could help her.  Adam said, "We'll go."

He's the busiest person I know.  Probably because he is always swerving to help other people.  

I'm grateful he's mine.

Happy New Year!

 We are back in Utah and I woke up to a rainy day that I wish was snowy.  We have had a mild winter and I'm not sad about that, but at the same time, I do like snow.  Especially when I am cozy inside.

Yesterday we packed up and got the house ready to be gone.  Having Braeden there was a boon.  He added 1/3 more manpower to loading the car.  It shouldn't surprise me, but I see those boys that I used to carry around heft the biggest boxes or a big fully loaded cooler like it's nothing, and I'm a little amazed.  But also grateful.

We left Adam and Mark to finish winterizing and Braeden and QE and I went to visit my parents.  We helped them take down a few Christmas decorations and visited and my mom read QE some stories and nursery rhymes.

We said good-bye, which is never not ever easy.  Adam and Braeden and QE headed west and Mark and I headed east.

I was happy to be with Mark.  He had been sick while we were in Nevada, fighting off a head cold.  Also he willingly (gratefully?) cedes all attention to Braeden, our resident extrovert.  Mark is only too happy to fade into the background.

I had a full drive of Mark time though and I appreciated it.  He had made a playlist and it was good.  He had songs from the 70s, 80s and 90s and I only vetoed one song (Alice In Chains).  We talked about our hopes and dreams for the new year.  We stopped at Del Taco in Wendover which is an exciting new development.  It is a great gluten free option for a roadtrip and we are over the moon when we find one of those!  We traded driving and it wasn't terrifying (just like my boys being these big strong men, driving with my children and it isn't terrifying still takes me by surprise a little).  

We stopped at Winco for party supplies.  Mark unloaded the car and I started putting stuff away.  After a little rest, I started taking decorations off the little tree.  I called down to Mark and he brought up all the bins.  Usually I take down Christmas in one Herculean exhausting session, but I know I need to pace myself this year.  After the little tree, I started assembling all the food for our night.  Emma came and we ate and caught up on the week.  Then we played games and between rounds I set a timer and we would take decorations off the big tree for five minutes.  After the timer, we'd go back to the game.  It took several rounds, but we finally finished.

The kids were willing to do more, but I was done.  As is my custom, I let the new year turn without me witnessing it.  Braeden told me that Anna said in Russia (where she served her mission) they say that whatever you are doing at the New Year is what you'll be doing that year.

I was asleep.

Today I'm intending to work more on the Christmas decorations--and I think I will likely finish since the trees are done.  Late this afternoon, we'll pick up Adam and I'll be happy to have him back.  I think he'll be happy to have missed the boxing up of Christmas.

Family Time

My cup runneth over.  I really love all the time I have had with family.

Yesterday morning we hung around our house, just enjoying the happy chaos of a three year old.  She, however, wanted to make ice burritos.

Do you know how to make ice burritos?  (If so, leave the recipe in the comments.) None of us knew and that did not stop the little queen from wanting them.

It had something to do with the little sheets of ice we had brought home from our walk the previous day.  I had put them in the freezer for safe keeping.  I didn't know how to make them into burritos, but we pulled them out and talked about thawing.  We put them in front of a space heater and accelerated the process.  Then we talked about steam.  I got a pot of water going on the stove and we watched the steam and dropped the ice sheets in and observed.

Braeden said, "This is what happens when your nana is a third grade teacher."

It was a good time.  There is nothing happier than a cute girl cheering the ice on as it melts. 

The boys and QE went to visit my parents, Adam was involved in bishop stuff (he is a hero in more ways than I can count) and Hannah came over to visit me.  We sat in our grandparents' house and talked about them and how they made us feel.  We talked about the cousin bond we feel and how the Gospel of Jesus Christ buoys us up.  She is such a good girl.  She gave me a book and I gave her the book I'd brought for her.

After that I went on a walk with my sisters.  We took turns telling our thing that was troubling us and when I am with those two, I feel like whatever my thing is, it is going to be OK.

My sisters told me that our aunt Mary was coming to surprise my mom.  We hung out a little to see her.  She came in with all her native cheer, calling, "Ho Ho Ho!"

My mom said, "What are you doing here?"

Mary said, "Visiting you!  What do you think I'm doing here?"

Mary and Steve had brought lunch and four Tupperware containers full of homemade cookies and candy.  She kept passing and passing them around.  I love that one time my mom told me that Mary is generous like their father that died before I remember him.  I collect tidbits about him and save them in my heart, trying to create a picture of the grandpa I never knew.

We visited awhile and then went home for lunch.  Later in the afternoon, Mary and Steve stopped by to see us and to see our house.  It was nice to visit more with them and catch up on their family.

Olivia had effectively charmed QE and she asked if we could go visit Ciocia (which is what our kids call Olivia).  We went over and Olivia had assembled toys and activities and sat on the floor and got busy entertaining QE.  She's like Mary Poppins if Mary Poppins didn't make you tidy up or take your medicine (with or without a spoonful for sugar). It was fun to watch.  

After dinner, Marianne, Robert, Clarissa and her boyfriend, Cristian, Hyrum, Olivia, Edgar, Lili and Josh all came over.  We played bank and passed around treats to eat.  We all hugged good-bye because we are leaving this morning.  Marianne and I hugged and realized we wouldn't see each other until after her mission and hugged again, tighter this time.

I hugged Robert and told him he and Marianne were the perfect eldest children to lead two families.  I'm grateful for those two!

Today Mark and I will head to Utah and Adam will go to California to accompany Braeden and QE back home.  He will fly back to Utah tomorrow.  I told him yesterday, "I'm worried about New Year's Eve with our kids without the fun parent there...."

I guess he saw my point because he checked into changing his ticket.  I told him we'd be fine.  They're used to their not all that fun mother!

I feel like this Christmas break is zooming by and I am disheartened when I remember that the second week back to school is another chemo week.  I am grateful to have this little pocket of happy days in my memory.  

Happiness, thy name is family time.

Brunch and munch

We got this from Hyrum yesterday morning in our family WhatsApp.  It ran concurrently to the Ladies' Brunch.  So our men went with their feelings (they don't have any guns) and QE was a special guest.  They called it a Men's Brunch, which naturally morphed to Munch.

Meanwhile at the Ladies' Brunch, we had a marvelous time:

Olivia gave us each a fan which factored into our rose, thorn and bud discussion as well as our after the manner of the adverb game. From left standing, Katie, Melanee, Azure, me, Desi attending to baby Louisa, Clarissa, Liliana, Ruby, Charlotte, Liberty, Sharon (Liberty's mother-in-law).  Seated, from left is Olivia, Marianne, my mom, Lucette and Olivia.

These women are everything.  Later we FaceTimed with Emma briefly (she was at work) and we FaceTimed with Carolina (who was having p-day on her mission).  I wish we had had the idea to FaceTime Jennifer and Savannah, because we missed them.  I am grateful for this tradition and this network of support I have.  I can understand why the men would want a similar experience.

In the afternoon we read stories and played with toys.  (I had gotten them out in the morning after QE said, "How can you have a house without toys?"  Luckily I had a few bins in the closet.)

QE and I took a walk. I showed her the loading chute and tried to explain that it didn't involve shooting.  I don't think I was successful.  I loved exploring the very road I lived on when I was her age with her.  She discovered interesting rocks and ice crystals on the long grass.  We picked ice off the puddles in little sheets which is exactly what I used to do when I was little.

We went to visit my parents and some of Marianne's family stopped by so we got to take a great grandchildren picture.

After dinner Adam and I went to Marianne and Robert's kind of briefly because I was really tired.  I don't know if it is cancer or I have been fighting off sickness, but I have been a tired kid.

I am also grateful to be here, spending this family time.